Monday, December 22, 2014
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
The tamest bunch of juvenile delinquents is shipped off to a camp in the woods for some reeducation. A hard ass drill sergeant like guy is supposed to work them till they drop and a caring social worker is supposed to get them to talk about what they did and how they can change. But as happens so often in films like these, things go horribly awry. Out on a hike one of the kids finds a horn from a slain ox and he steals it, next thing you know our little band of reprobates is being stalked and murdered by an axe wielding giant. Then things go downhill from there.
How stupid is this piece of shit? Let me count the ways:
- Most all of it is shot in front of a green screen and it makes you realize that not all CGI effects are good, or even tolerable.
- To say the acting is subpar is to give too much credit to all the bad performances in this film.
- Even though the film is set in the Minnesota mountain wilderness, the hermit who is a friend to the axe wielding giant speaks with a pronounced southern accent. It's jarring and annoying every time you hear him speak and unfortunately he doesn't get horribly murdered until near the end.
- The teenage daughter of the sheriff looks like she's 35 years old.
- The heroes of the film are some cammo wearing gun toting ammosexuals who belong to a local militia.
The film is chock full of Canadian actors who went on to be in a many north American produced films and TV shows. But the main 'names' are Oliver Reed as the therapist and Samantha Eggar as the rage baby producing wife.
This film is that good, it's very ragged around the edges and it feels like it was slapped together after a week or two of shooting, but it's still worth watching. Oliver Reed is crazy as the simmering with his patient's rage and Eggar is sufficiently creepy as the mare of the rage brood. It's very much a product of it's times.
An unhappy teen girl (the incredibly lovely Jennifer Connelly) is roped into babysitting her infant brother, the product of her father's remarriage to a woman she dislikes. The girl wishes the goblins would take her brother and then she's shocked when they actually do. The baby is spirited away to the goblin kingdom which is presided over by the goblin king (singer David Bowie). The girl is given 13 hours to make her way through the labyrinth to rescue her baby brother and if she can't then he turns into a goblin and will have to live forever in the goblin kingdom. Of course she overcomes all the obstacles and she saves her kid brother and all is okay in the end.
It's a cute film, the script was written by Terry Jones of Monty Python fame and Jim Henson directed it, so of course it going to be chock full of his creatures and some are incredibly stunning and clever and some are incredibly stupid and annoying. Thank goodness most are clever and not stupid. Connelly is achingly beautiful and a joy to watch. Bowie is oddly compelling and he plays most of his role in a pair of the tightest pants mankind has ever seen, while clad in said pants you can not only see the contours of his penis, you can count the hairs on his nutsack.
Like I said, it's aimed at a young audience but it's a film I enjoyed quite a bit. Some of the effects and creature are wildly stunning and were way ahead of their time.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Do this during the holidays:
- Be nice to retail workers.
- Get your holiday cards sent out on time.
- Buy a new toy and give it to Toys for Tots.
- Smile more.
- Try to relax.
- Waterboard Dick Cheney and all the other people who claim that what the CIA did wasn't torture.
- Bitch about long lines at the post office.
- Drink any thing Bill Cosby offers you.
- Shriek "It's Merry Christmas!" at someone who wishes you "Happy Holidays."
- Watch a Christmas episode marathon on TV.
- Buy into the nonsensical 'War on Christmas.'
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Due to a vendetta the FCC and the entire cable industry has against me my annual Christmas special won't be shown in the USA or Canada this year. It will only be broadcast in Scandinavian countries that also border on the arctic circle. But I'm not bitter about it, fuck no, it's fucking Christmas god damn it and I don't have time to be a fucking bitter little bitch. But I do want you all to know what you're going to be missing.
My 2014 special opens with me sitting on a snow drift dreaming of getting my giblets roasted over an open fire. Then from out of nowhere swoops down Norwegian love goddess Silje Torp on a winged horse and we sing that old Christmas favorite 'Santa Stuffed My Stocking with Ebola.'
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The film is about a group of ancient musicians and opera singers who live in an old folks home. They put on a gala every year to raise money to keep their impossibly lavish senior citizen's home open. Into this tight knit world comes a woman who is supposedly Britain's greatest female opera singer. They want her to be in the gala but she doesn't want to do it. After a but of flirting and conniving, they convince her to do it.
Here's what's wrong with it:
- It takes place in an alternate earth where everyone is wild about opera. Old people, young people, everybody loves opera. Except in the real world, that's bullshit. I'm not saying that people don't love opera, I'm saying they don't get excited and shit themselves over it they way people in this film do.
- The entire film they build up Maggie Smith's character as the greatest opera singer who ever lived. And then guess what? SHE DOESN'T FUCKING SING. NOT EVEN A NOTE. SHE DOESN'T EVEN FAKE IT.
- Billy Connolly is by no stretch of any imagination an opera singer.
- The whole thing is not believable. None of it. The home is too lavish, the characters are too pat, the dramatic interpersonal relationships are about as interesting as watching paint dry.