Sunday, November 29, 2015

Don't have to live like a refugee

Here's my latest letter to the editor of my local right wing teabagger newspaper the Johnson City Press:

The biggest threat the refugees pose to our country and our way of life isn't the threat of sectarian violence, we already have enough of that thanks to the NRA and our lax gun laws.  No, the biggest threat that we face from those refugees comes from their ideas.  For example, in a book written by some Middle Eastern refugees that says we should allow our weapons to be melted down and turned into farm implements, I saw where one kind of famous refugee said that we should forgive and love our 'enemies.'  He went on to say that we should sell our possessions and use that money to house, clothe, and feed the poor.  And the final outrage, he said that rich people were going to have a hard time getting into heaven.  Can you imagine anything more anti American than that?  I shudder to think what some other refugee might want us to do.  We've got to stay strong and stay true to what made our country great.  

Saturday, November 28, 2015

The face of terrorism in the USA... white and predominantly male.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving!

Is it Christmas yet?

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Clean up on aisle 4

I actually cleaned that up for them.  I stacked it back on the table there.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Armed angry anti government white male terrorists strike again

This time they hit a peaceful anti racist demonstration in Minnesota, which is increasingly the land of upper Midwestern hate, and at a Trump rally in Alabama.  They are the real enemy and the real terrorists we need to be rooting out in the USA, not peaceful Syrian refugees who are fleeing terror in their home land.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Happy Monday

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Still here

Don't get excited.  I'm still here and I'm dealing with a heat pump that went kaput yesterday.  We're getting a new one on Wednesday but until then it's going to be a bit cool inside Monkey Central.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Hotels of days gone by

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

What shall we do with refugees?

"Two words: cannon fodder."

"I have sworn an oath to serve and protect multinational corporations from the refugee hordes."

"Let them form a new homeland in Palestine...oh wait, we already did that for a bunch of other refugees."

"Can we relocate them all on Prince Edward Island and then set it adrift?"

"How about we do the decent thing and treat them like human beings who've been traumatized and who need our help and understanding.  Yeah, let's try that."

"Puny humans, submit now to your robot master overlords before it's too late!  We won't show you any mercy but it might lessen your pain if you do."

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Monday, November 16, 2015

The worst person in the world

The USA took in Marco Rubio's family when they were refugees from the Cuban Communist revolution.  Now Marco Rubio want to stop Syrian refugees from coming to the USA.  That's right, he wants to send the people fleeing ISIS and war back home to face ISIS and war.  He's a punk ass pussy and he's the worst person in the world.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Friday, November 13, 2015

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Farm women break down the latest Republican debate

"Trump thinks wages are too high?  He's too high to be serious.  He must be smoking something."

"That was a debate?  I thought it was a game, what with all those softball questions."

"They let a smarmy Canadian in there, how'd that happen?"

"Ben Carson doesn't like being scrutinized?  Yeah, he's a real medical doctor, those fuckers learn to brush off scrutiny the first year in med school.  Also, fuck him for saying we need smaller government when he grew up taking government benefits with both hands and using Affirmative Action to get ahead."

"I'm making lots of jam to put on all the also ran candidates who are toast at this point.  I'm looking at you Rand Paul, Chris Christie, Gomer Huckabee, and Miss Lindsey Graham."

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


I was astonished to see myself in this photo with Jayne Mansfield. Then I realized that blonde kid in the glasses wasn't me.  But I sure as hell wished it was.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A letter from 2018

Dear Everyone,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I'm doing as well as can be expected, I'm still serving the first year of my twenty year sentence for blasphemy against the church and the capitalists.  I knew I was breaking the law by not braying 'Merry Christmas' all the time, even in August, and asking aloud why  was the economy still in recession after President Trump's third round of tax cuts, they knew I was being sarcastic when I said that Jesus wasn't going to let the sweet sweet riches trickle down on anyone who didn't believe in Christmas miracles.

It's not so bad in prison.  They spray us with freezing cold water to wake us up in the morning and then as soon as we're dressed everyone in my cell block fights it out to see who gets breakfast.  Some days I get a few crumbs, but on the plus side, I've lost a shitload of weight, and a few teeths as well.  After we wipe the blood off we go straight into morning chapel where they endlessly repeat the stories in the Bible in an effort to make us convert and then the Christian youth ministers sodomize those of us who don't.  It's pretty painful but most of the time I just close my eyes and pretend it's Jamie Lee Curtis or some other hot Jewess doing me.

After the forced sodomizing we're herded off to our jobs.  This month my job is to add 'natural flavorings' to the Soylent Green you on the outside love so much.  They put me on that detail because I'm a people person. After my fourteen hour shift I'm allowed to go back to my dark and damp hovel of a cell and I'm given a bowl of shredded food stamps with a bit of rancid milk for supper.

All this could be over if I just accept President Trump as my personal savior and if I just knuckle under and say 'Merry Christmas' instead of 'Happy Holidays.'  But you know me, I do what I want and the most important thing in the world to me is 'keeping it real.'

I know they've suspended elections until the war with Mexico is over and until the next round of tax cuts, but I keep hoping that some how, some way, the cryogenically frozen head of the socialist rebel leader Bernie Sanders will get thawed out and lead us to victory.

Like I said, don't worry about me.  I don't have it as tough as the leaders of the old gay agenda and the Hollywood liberals do.  I'll keep my head down and pray that we'll all feel the Bern soon, once Israel gives back his frozen head that is.

Socialism forever!

Monday, November 9, 2015

Ben Carson's campaign manager has a message for all of you secular progressives in the media

"Leave Ben Carson alone or we'll all start praying for Jesus to smite you!"

(Yo, Professor Chaos, stop trying to deny the joke and just go with the flow.)

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Friday, November 6, 2015

Interview with a dope

Hey Ben how you feeling today?

I dunno.

 You feelin' stabby?
This interview is over.

Thursday, November 5, 2015


Drinking and dancing is fun.  Go do some of both.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Bond-age, 1970's style

I finally got to see a couple of Bind films from the 1970's that I had been curious about.

As far as these bad Roger Moore Bond films go, this one wasn't too awful.  It's horribly racist, filled with horrendous stereotypes, and has gaping plot holes, but it's sort of entertaining in a sexist racist way.  Also a young lush and fully ripe Britt Ekland and a super sexy Maud Addams don't hurt. 

This one put me to sleep.  And when I wasn't sleeping, I was rooting for the bad guys.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Demands of the Republican Debaters

Gomer Huckabee is demanding that we all convert to his brand of Southern Baptist nuttery. He also demands that all women be required to look like Kim Davis.

Chris Christie is demanding more doughnuts, Ring Dings, Cokes, and a bag of oranges that he can use to hit teachers in the kidneys with.

Carly Fiorina is demanding she be made CEO of every company so she can lay off everybody in order to increase profits for her and the other investors. And she wants people to stop talking about her penis.

Miss Lindsey is demanding a fainting couch and a pearl necklace at every debate.

Santorum wants to be left alone so he can go to truck stops and chug cock in peace.

Ben Carson is demanding that gleeble glook abibbity boo.  And Obama is scary.

What?  Him worry?

The other forty five Republican candidates could not be reached for comment. 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Self improvement, pulp style