Friday, May 22, 2015

Thanks Duggars!

You creepy incest sex abuse covering Christians make us atheists look good yet again!  Well done you!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Thanks for all the laughs

I watched Dave's final show.  It was great.  He was gracious, funny, and self deprecating to the very end.  He's been a true pro all his TV life.

I haven't watched much in the past few years, especially since we cut cable and went to streaming, but I'll miss him just the same.  He was always there for me in college, when I worked second shift in jobs after college, when he made the jump to CBS and the move to 11:30 PM.  I have fond memories of Late Night on NBC, the comedy they did on that show was so fresh and innovative for it's day, it blew my pot addled mind back then.  I hope I'll always remember things like him dropping stuff off buildings, sparring with Jane Pauley, Terri Garr, Brother Theodore, the uncomfortable Larry Bud Melman stuff, his mom, Mujibur and Sirajul, Biff Henderson, when he came back from his heart surgery, the Andy Kaufmann craziness, all the times Bill Murray livened things up.  Dave's show was there for me during my lean years when I didn't have much, during the days when I worked for that awful truck tire company, when I met Sparky, when I lived in Knoxville, and when I came back to Johnson City.

He's been a constant, a teacher, a friend, and a huge influence.  I've been a fan of his since the 1970's.  I'll miss him like crazy.  Hopefully I'll hit the Powerball or Mega Millions jackpot and I can buy a place in St. Bart's and maybe we can run into one another and he'll let me buy him a beer.

So long pal, I'll miss the holy hell out of you.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Hey lady, nice beaver!

Two working stiffs riding down a road with a truck load of medical waste hit a deer and one of the waste filled drums flies out of the truck, rolls into a river, and gets swept into a beaver dam that somehow is also on a lake.  Also on this lake/river hybrid is a home where there malnourished college girls are going to spend a weekend away from their horny cheating boyfriends.

The girls, who look like they've never met a sandwich they could finish, quickly strip off and into their skimpy bikinis so they can go for a dip in the lake.  After you finish counting their ribs, you'll see them swim out to the beaver dam and nearly get into an altercation with a bear.  They blithely ignore the nuclear green glowing waste on the beaver dam so they can instead focus on the bear which is quite a ways from them.  Just in time a hunter, wearing jeans, a shirt, and a work jacket in the blistering summer heat shoots his gun to scare away the bear and then he scolds the girls for not wearing more clothes, but not before he leers at them, especially the one covering her bare breasts with her hands.

Properly chastened the girls head back for what seems like a Sapphic evening alone but then just when you think the two skinniest ones are going to make out, their loutish boyfriends show up.  Thankfully after some of the college kids have the least sexy sex ever the killer beavers finally show up to do what killer beavers do best, cause mayhem, death, and destruction.

I'd go further into the plot of this movie but you've seen it before, we all have.  And although it's been done better in other films, and yes, this one is as bad as you'd expect it to be, it's not actually that terrible.  It never takes itself too seriously and it's full of the tropes we all expect but still scare us and make it a fun horror movie.

The supporting actors pull this film out of the pit of horribleness.  The hunter character is pretty funny and the neighbors are pretty funny, but if you're looking for good acting from the cast of college kids, forget it.  They're all pretty terrible, especially the skinny blonde gal and the super skinny brunette gal with the glasses.  The other female lead who gets her boobs out isn't bad but her accent wavers more than flag on a ninety mile an hour wind.  But the best performances are tuned in by Bill Burr and John Mayer who play the louts in the truck.  Their banter is pretty laugh out loud funny.

If you like cheesy horror movies where you know what's going to happen next, then this kind of funny not too terrible movie is right up your alley.  Don't expect trenchant socially relevant film making here, it's brainless, mindless horror fluff.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Those were the days

Who among us doesn't long for the days when shirtless men roamed the poop decks of ships while sporting a monkey on their tanned brawny shoulders?  The neckerchiefs were just icing on the beefcake.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Nearly there

"School's nearly over for the year, so stop acting like a little bitch please."

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Friday, May 15, 2015

Not bloody likely

Killing a terrorist who committed a terrorist act that killed multiple American citizens and wounded many others will stop terrorism about as much as Bush/Cheney's wars of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan stopped terrorism.

And yes, this picture in this post has nothing to do with the above sentence.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

My new goal in life

The weirder the better.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Even the gods get stoned

If I was a  Norse deity who spoke in a weird proto Elizabethan dialect, I'd be getting stoned too.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I'm part of the problem!

A little girl on Facebook shrieked to me that I was 'part of the problem' when I didn't condemn the NFL for suspending Tom Brady for four games for cheating and Ray Rice only two games for abusively hitting his wife.  Because I tried to explain to her that battered wives don't affect the outcome of games that have millions of dollars in bets riding on them, she said I was 'part of the problem' because I refused to say that the NFL doesn't care about battered women but it does care about improperly inflated balls.  

The NFL doesn't care about battered women.  It doesn't care about substance abuse by it's players or the concussion problems suffered by it's players.  In fact, it really doesn't give a shit about it's players.  The NFL cares about one thing and one thing only, and that's cash.  They care about the revenue that flows in from advertisers, cities that host their games, TV networks, and the millions of dollars that's bet on it's games.  They care about raking in money.  They're a for profit business.  They're not a charity or a non profit out to help battered women, drug addicts, cripples, or dogs.  

If one team is getting an unfair advantage by cheating then that might scare bettors away.  If bettors are scared away then that means the NFL might lose money.  And they are in business to make money not to lose it so that's why they take cheating more seriously than they do battered women.  It's economics, not community outreach. And if that pisses off some people, then that's no skin off the nose of the NFL, they know people will still watch and bet and buy the beer that's advertised and the jerseys and the hats as long as the game doesn't look rigged.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Today in stupidity

  • Glenn Beck says that because white people voted for her husband, Michelle Obama isn't allowed to talk about how racism has affected her.  Makes about as much sense as the other drivel that pops out of his dumb mouth.
  • A woman in New Zealand who got lost in the woods for 24 hours survived by drinking the two liters of water she had carried with her, by eating a energy bar she had with her, and by drinking her breast milk.  What a heroic thing to do after being lost for 24 hours.  I wonder how long it would take her to resort to cannibalism if she got lost with another human being, two, three, four days?
  • George Zimmerman finally pulled his gun on someone who was also packing heat and he got shot at for waving his gun at them.  God damn it guy who pulled his gun on Zimmerman, you need to work on your aim since your bullet hit Zimmy's windshield and nothing else.
  • Gomer Huckabee sas all his commercial endorsements are above reproach. 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy mother's day

I hope you got your mom something special today, because she's worth it.

Friday, May 8, 2015

You're cool, but you'll never be this dude in a Man Ray photograph cool

I'm become a lazy blogger.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

A phone conversation

"Free speech is absolute.  We ought to be able to mock Muslims and draw pictures of Mohammed if we want to.  They need to get over it and respect our freedoms."

"Free speech for everybody right?  For Occupy Wall Street people, anti police brutality, pro marriage equality, and anti corporate demonstrators too?"

 "Those people need to get a job and shut up."

"Your hypocrisy made my spleen explode."

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

And they're totally serious

The people who want to inflame Muslim extremists by drawing pictures of Mohammed so they can squeal with anger when those same extremists shoot or kill those who insult their religion, are usually the same people who insist that others must treat whatever religion they follow with respect.  You have to respect their religion while they get to shit on other people's religion so they can point and say that all Muslims are violent.

Fuck them.

Monday, May 4, 2015

We can do it!

We can win the war on babies.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Golden age of graphic design travel posters

So fucking brilliant.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Succinct movie reports

This light frothy film is a spoof on romantic comedies.  I found it to be laugh out loud funny at times and enjoyable all the time.  

This is a super cool Iranian vampire flick that stars people you've seen in other projects.  It's in Farsi so watch it with the subtitles on.  It and it's sound track owe a huge debt to the early work of Jim Jarmusch, but that's a good thing.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Just do it

Be a man, stay dry.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Movies of the week, early 1980's edition

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Old white people know what's best for black folks in Baltimore

"They just need to calm down and do what the police tell them.  I do, and I never have any problems."

"Those thugs need Jesus, right wing Jesus.  You know, the one who hates gays and loves private enterprise."

"If they'd get a job and stay away from white women, things would be fine."

"Yes, I want those muscle bound taut hard bodied men with huge bulges to stay away from me, especially when I'm naked and fresh out of the shower, which is usually around 9 in the morning.  I'm at 836 Oakland, so make sure all you good looking horny young black men stay away from me and my house, wink wink."

"Are they banging on about racism again?  Isn't letting them have a black president enough?  Fuck, we let them have the NBA too.  They need to stop whining."

"I say we mix them all a nice martini or give them a swig of malt liquor and they go their to vacation homes to calm down."

"I suppose we could stop treating them as second class citizens and reinvest in their communities. Hahahahaha, I nearly said the shit with a straight face."

"Stop bothering me, I'm binge watching Fringe on Netflix."

Monday, April 27, 2015

More science experiments for conservative kids

Fart in a bag and make a random boy person breathe it in.  If he likes it, he's gay.  Measure and record the amount of time he tries to have homogay sex with you and or he cries that he's being oppressed when you force Jesus into his heart. 

Give an ax to a liberal kid from a big city and tell him to chop some wood using his bare foot as a brace.  When and if he cuts off his foot and he starts bleeding profusely see how long it takes him to pass out after you tell him that the brilliant Republican governor of your state or commonwealth won't allow Obamacare where you live.  

Find different flammable objects and see how many will allow you to successfully burn down Unitarian churches, swinger clubs, and abortion clinics.

Get your parents handguns and make liberal kids step on nails.  See how long it takes them to develop agonizing diseases such as tetanus, lock jaw, and gangrene.  Or just shoot them and tell the libtard media you were just exercising your second amendment freedom.

Nail a horseshoe into a young tree.  Years later when the tree has grown pretend to find it and show an evolution believing adult.  Ask him if he thinks the tree evolved that way.  If he says it did, then shout, "You're a fucking idiot, evolution is a lie from the pit of Satan's anus!" at him.  Then get an attorney to sue him for infringing on your religious freedom.

When you get your eyes tested, tell the kindly lady who is administering the test that all you want to see is her boobs.  Measure how long it takes her to show her tits to you or how long it takes her to slap you and call you a little sexist pig.  Then when you have your data, go on Fox News and tell the world how the feminists are ruining your eye sight.

At night remove all the food from your house except for sugary cereal.  When you say your prayers make sure that your parents hear you pray that they'll let you have sugary cereal for breakfast.  The next morning run down stairs and show them God has answered your prayers.  If they don't believe you, tell child protective services, tell them your parents are gay Communist atheists who aren't fit to raise children and that you want them locked up in a cell in Gitmo right away before they take your High Fructose Corn Syrup infused cereal away from you.

Get a group of Negro children from an inner city school and demand they take the same science tests that are given to you in your private school.  If they don't score as well as or better than you did, demand the teachers who are sucking at the public teat and not teaching the Negroes goodly enough be fired.  When the libtard media tries to tell you that your experiment is faulty and perhaps racist, make them drink some of your urine until they admit they are the faulty racist ones.

Get some rocks.  Throw them at kids who believe in evolution, if they don't evolve mechanisms to defend themselves against the rocks being thrown at them, tell them that evolution is a lie and that Jesus hates lies, liars, and gays.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Seen while out and about