Monday, December 22, 2014

Christmas done right

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Surprised? Really? REALLY?

Cops have historically killed black males and gotten away with it.  Are you really surprised when people finally have had enough and they start to fight back?

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Knock off a piece of Christmas cheer

Friday, December 19, 2014

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

You're welcome.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Three Monkey Movie Reports

I thought this film was going to be a bit of mindless fun.  I was wrong, it wasn't any fun at all, it's just mindless.

The tamest bunch of juvenile delinquents is shipped off to a camp in the woods for some reeducation.  A hard ass drill sergeant like guy is supposed to work them till they drop and a caring social worker is supposed to get them to talk about what they did and how they can change.  But as happens so often in films like these, things go horribly awry.  Out on a hike one of the kids finds a horn from a slain ox and he steals it, next thing you know our little band of reprobates is being stalked and murdered by an axe wielding giant.  Then things go downhill from there.

How stupid is this piece of shit?  Let me count the ways:

  • Most all of it is shot in front of a green screen and it makes you realize that not all CGI effects are good, or even tolerable.
  • To say the acting is subpar is to give too much credit to all the bad performances in this film.
  • Even though the film is set in the Minnesota mountain wilderness, the hermit who is a friend to the axe wielding giant speaks with a pronounced southern accent.  It's jarring and annoying every time you hear him speak and unfortunately he doesn't get horribly murdered until near the end.
  • The teenage daughter of the sheriff looks like she's 35 years old.
  • The heroes of the film are some cammo wearing gun toting ammosexuals who belong to a local militia. 
Seriously, it's fucking awful.  

These late '70's horror films of Cronenberg's are quite the thing to behold.  They're not great but they're so fucking odd and compelling that you can't help but stay riveted.  In this one a divorced guy with a little daughter notices that bad things are happening to people in his life, and by bad, I mean people in his extended family are getting murdered by human like creatures.  He goes to see his ex wife's therapist who is the inventor of some kind of radical new therapy that taps into the patient's rage and when that's mixed with some role play with the therapist, it's supposed to cure the patient.  But things don't quite work out that way for the main character's ex wife.  Turns out she's having loads of asexually reproduced rage babies that grow incredibly fast and they attack and murder whoever is bothering her at the moment.

The film is chock full of Canadian actors who went on to be in a many north American produced films and TV shows. But the main 'names' are Oliver Reed as the therapist and Samantha Eggar as the rage baby producing wife.

This film is that good, it's very ragged around the edges and it feels like it was slapped together after a week or two of shooting, but it's still worth watching.  Oliver Reed is crazy as the simmering with his patient's rage and Eggar is sufficiently creepy as the mare of the rage brood.  It's very much a product of it's times.

After nearly 30 after this film came out I finally watched it.  It's definitely aimed at people younger than I am but I liked it because it's like a blast of nostalgia.

An unhappy teen girl (the incredibly lovely Jennifer Connelly) is roped into babysitting her infant brother, the product of her father's remarriage to a woman she dislikes.  The girl wishes the goblins would take her brother and then she's shocked when they actually do.  The baby is spirited away to the goblin kingdom which is presided over by the goblin king (singer David Bowie).  The girl is given 13 hours to make her way through the labyrinth to rescue her baby brother and if she can't then he turns into a goblin and will have to live forever in the goblin kingdom.  Of course she overcomes all the obstacles and she saves her kid brother and all is okay in the end.

It's a cute film, the script was written by Terry Jones of Monty Python fame and Jim Henson directed it, so of course it going to be chock full of his creatures and some are incredibly stunning and clever and some are incredibly stupid and annoying.  Thank goodness most are clever and not stupid.  Connelly is achingly beautiful and a joy to watch.  Bowie is oddly compelling and he plays most of his role in a pair of the tightest pants mankind has ever seen, while clad in said pants you can not only see the contours of his penis, you can count the hairs on his nutsack.

Like I said, it's aimed at a young audience but it's a film I enjoyed quite a bit.  Some of the effects and creature are wildly stunning and were way ahead of their time.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A holiday reminder...

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

A conversation about extremist religious violence

"When will Muslims stand up and say they oppose the violence done in the name of their religion?"

"I, a Muslim, denounce the violence that's being done in name of my religion."

"Did you hear that?  He didn't say he opposed the violence that's being done in the name of his religion.  You have to ask yourself why won't he say he opposes it."

"I oppose all violence done in the name of my religion and in the name of any religion."

"Why does he have to drag all religions into it?  You don't see Christians or Jews or even those godless Hindus and other rag heads going around doing the shit that Muslims do.  And why is it he has to just say what I want him to say?  Why won't he go further and stop letting me put words in his mouth?"

"Holy shit, this guy is an idiot.  I denounce and oppose all religious violence that's been done, that's being done, and that will ever be done."

"Did you hear him just say that his Muslim buddies are plotting more religious violence?  I told you you can't trust them, their religion is inherently violent.  I demand we waterboard him until he tells us of every plot his religious fanatic buddies are going to carry out.  And then if he doesn't accept Jesus, let's used enhanced interrogation on him until he does.  Someone call Dick Cheney, I may need his help in breaking this Muslim bastard."

Monday, December 15, 2014

Holiday do's and don'ts

Do this during the holidays:

  • Be nice to retail workers.
  • Get your holiday cards sent out on time.
  • Buy a new toy and give it to Toys for Tots.
  • Smile more.
  • Try to relax.
  • Waterboard Dick Cheney and all the other people who claim that what the CIA did wasn't torture.
Don't do this during the holidays:
  • Bitch about long lines at the post office.
  • Drink any thing Bill Cosby offers you.
  • Shriek "It's Merry Christmas!" at someone who wishes you "Happy Holidays."
  • Watch a Christmas episode marathon on TV.
  • Buy into the nonsensical 'War on Christmas.'

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Quick beer reviews

This is a good white ale but is it worth nearly $14 a six pack?  No.  It tastes like many other white ales on the market and the taste doesn't justify the high price.  But I'm glad I tried it.

Very good local to me beer.  It's one of those beers you want to let breathe for a few minutes after you open it or pour in a glass.  It's got a good start and a strong finish.  I highly recommend this one.

Yuck.  I hated this beer.  Absolutely hated it.  I'll never ever buy it again.  It tasted grapefruity and had a bitter finish, way too bitter.  The chilled urine of Ebola patients mixed with seltzer water would taste better than this shit.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Mid century brilliance

How do you feel about the torture report?

"I'm not sure we got the real truth out of the CIA. let's torture them until they come clean."

"It was torturous reading.  Get it?"

"It was horse shit.  And so is this stuff I'm standing in."

"If torturing those godless Muslims saved one white woman from getting raped and having to give her hymen to Allah, then it was worth it."


"I'm ashamed it was done.  I'm ashamed Bush claims he didn't know about it, I'm ashamed Dick Cheney was allowed to get away with it.  I wish there was a hell so that all those involved in doing it could go there and suffer for all eternity."

"We're pretty steamed about it."

"Those ungrateful A-rabs.  We bring them democracy and Christian capitalism and they act all pissed off because we had to torture a few naughty men?  Honestly, who do they think they are?"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

How old am I?

I'm old enough to remember seeing this film in the movie theatre when it came out in 1973.  I think my Uncle Bob took us to see it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

It's time for white people to tell us about racism in the USA

"I didn't see any racism.  It didn't happen to me, so it must not exist."

"How come we never talk about black racism?  Some of those people really hate us white people for what our ancestors did to them."

"Only racists keep wanting to talk about racism, so I want to change the subject to that new Star Wars trailer.  Can you believe they have a black Stormtrooper in it?"  

"I'm not racist, so there must be very little racism in the USA.  Also, if I ever tell a racist joke, I'm just joking, I don't actually believe that shit I'm saying.  And seriously, what's wrong with telling an off color joke every now and again?  People need to calm down and stop being so sensitive, especially those darkies when I tell a really funny joke about two knuckle dragging black welfare cheats and their ho's.

"There wouldn't be so much racism if Negroes just stayed on their side of the tracks."

"I'm too busy dealing with all the sexism to notice how racist our country is."

"Okay, look, slavery doesn't exist in the USA any more and a black dude is president.  That right there is proof that we're not racist anymore."

Sunday, December 7, 2014

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Due to a vendetta the FCC and the entire cable industry has against me my annual Christmas special won't be shown in the USA or Canada this year.  It will only be broadcast in Scandinavian countries that also border on the arctic circle. But I'm not bitter about it, fuck no, it's fucking Christmas god damn it and I don't have time to be a fucking bitter little bitch.  But I do want you all to know what you're going to be missing.

My 2014 special opens with me sitting on a snow drift dreaming of getting my giblets roasted over an open fire.  Then from out of nowhere swoops down Norwegian love goddess Silje Torp on a winged horse and we sing that old Christmas favorite 'Santa Stuffed My Stocking with Ebola.'

After we bask in the applause of the school children and prisoners out on work release that we paid to be our audience, I'll do a dramatic re-enactment of the time I discovered the true meaning of Christmas in Viktoria Winge's bra. 
I'll romp among the reindeer for a few minutes and then I'll piss on a pine tree until my next guest is coerced into coming on the show.

After we promise to pay her some extra kroner, Danish pastry Mia Lyhne and I will stare at one another as we sit by a Christmas tree.

After a word from our sponsor Lene Marie Christensen and I will lick candy canes in a suggestive manner while the Doctor Monkey Dancers perform scenes from that Christmas classic Equus Goes to the North Pole.

And finally, Vivian Howard will join me to bake my cookies and she'll also cook my goose right before Father Christmas sleds in with presents and liquor for everyone.

This year's Christmas special is sponsored by:
 And by:
 And by:
Space Pussy Vodka.

Check your local listings if you live near the arctic circle!

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Some things will never ever change

I end every email I send to my teabagger Congressman this way: "You're an idiot and a disgrace to your office.  You need to resign immediately."

Thursday, December 4, 2014

I can't breathe

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Think about it

It's always white males who are stuffed full of white privilege who demand that everyone stop being so sensitive. I suspect it's because racism, sexism, and the dislike of anything that isn't 'the norm' (US/European centric white maleness), is so ingrained and accepted in our society that many of us just don't see it or simply don't care.
And I speak as a white male who is the beneficiary of centuries of white privilege. But even though I unquestionably benefited from it, that doesn't mean I want others to conform to what I want. I can see a lot of racism and sexism, and I can do things to not be a part of it. Telling people to 'buck up' and to 'stop being so sensitive' is exactly like Joan Rivers shrieking a horrible fat joke at some over wight person and then telling them to grow up or shut up and lose some weight if they don't like it.
As a matter of fact, people DO NOT need to stop being so sensitive, white males need to realize they don't run everything any more and they need stop being raging assholes.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

A Monkey Movie Review

So this is the film Dustin Hoffman chose to direct.  Yes.  It's true.  He is responsible for this, this film that has more wrinkles than the scrotal sacks of one hundred old men.  But that's the least of this film's problems.

The film is about a group of ancient musicians and opera singers who live in an old folks home.  They put on a gala every year to raise money to keep their impossibly lavish senior citizen's home open.  Into this tight knit world comes a woman who is supposedly Britain's greatest female opera singer.  They want her to be in the gala but she doesn't want to do it.  After a but of flirting and conniving, they convince her to do it.

Here's what's wrong with it:

  • It takes place in an alternate earth where everyone is wild about opera.  Old people, young people, everybody loves opera.  Except in the real world, that's bullshit.  I'm not saying that people don't love opera, I'm saying they don't get excited and shit themselves over it they way people in this film do.
  • The entire film they build up Maggie Smith's character as the greatest opera singer who ever lived.  And then guess what?  SHE DOESN'T FUCKING SING.  NOT EVEN A NOTE.  SHE DOESN'T EVEN FAKE IT.
  • Billy Connolly is by no stretch of any imagination an opera singer. 
  • The whole thing is not believable.  None of it.  The home is too lavish, the characters are too pat, the dramatic interpersonal relationships are about as interesting as watching paint dry.
I'm not saying it's awful, I'm saying this vanity project of Hoffman's is not worth your time.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

It's the gravy-iest time of the year

Saturday, November 29, 2014

What did you do on Black Friday?

"We went shopping, then we cried our eyes out."

"We silently judged everyone we looked at."

"Prayed that the tests come back negative."

"I told my pets about Jesus."

"Married my horse."

"Went to the gloryhole with my non gay husband."

"I froze my tits off, but camping outside of Best Buy was totally worth it.  I got three bucks off a flat screen TV and some dude groped my ass."

"Look deep in to my are getting sleepy, very sleepy..."

"I shamed poor people.  I'm tired of those bastards using all their savings this time of year to buy presents for their lazy kids who won't quit school and get jobs to buy their own cheap presents."

"I spent the day trolling right wingers on Facebook. I love pissing those idiots off."