Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Old white guys react to Obama's LGBT Non Discrimination order

 "Jesus said I have to love my neighbor as myself, he never said I couldn't discriminate against fags, pansies, and bull dykes.  Does Obama think he's better than Jesus?  I bet he does."

"So I'm not allowed to discriminate against gay people now.  I'm still allowed to discriminate against women, coons, wops, micks, and orientals, right?" 

 "I guess I'll have to get gay married next."

 "I'm only going to hire beauty school dropouts now.  I know for a fact those dudes aren't gay."
 "My prostate is the size of a watermelon."
"I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally."

Monday, July 21, 2014

It's magic

We turned a pallet of flat stone:

Into a rock enclosure this past Sunday afternoon.

Amazing, isn't it.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Rest in peace James Garner

One of my favorite actors passed away this past weekend.  I always wanted to be Jim Rockford when I grew up.  Too bad I never grew up.

Nope, that's not creepy at all

Oh wait, yes, yes it is.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Conservatives through out the ages say the darndest things

"Kennedy and LBJ are going to take our guns!"
"And the negroes will take my hymen if they get the chance to vote!"
"Wilson and his League of Nations are going to take our guns!"
"I hope I and all other women never get the right to vote."

"Freed slaves are going to take our guns!"
"Ending child labor is the worst thing we could do for our economy!"
"Irish immigrants are going to take our guns!"
"If your pants got any tighter you'd suck half of Boston up inside your bung hole."

"French peasants are going to take our guns!"
"And our merkins too!"

"Catholics are going to take our muskets!"

"Christ killing Jews are going to take our rapiers!"
"And poison our wells right before they defile our vaginas!"
"I'm going to have to kill you because you said 'vagina.' "

""Don't blame me, I voted for the Ostrogoths in the last election."
"Whats an 'election'?"

"Caesar is going to make us stop having sex with boys!"
"It's about time someone did."

Friday, July 18, 2014

The worst person in the world is...

...ultra phony asshole 'comedian' Bill Maher.

As if being a gigantic hypocrite wasn't bad enough, he would have been outraged beyond belief at the shit Obama has done (allowing the NSA to spy on all Americans, his lack of transparency, and escalating the quagmire in Afghanistan) if it had been done by Bush, now he's advocating violence against women and the continued oppression of Palestinians.

In his continued unstinting support of Israel Maher said that Hamas is like a crazy woman who needs to be slapped around a bit.  First off, no woman 'deserves' to be slapped around, crazy or not.  Secondly, calling women 'crazy' was a way to minimize them and their opinions, especially if they disagreed with men and or the prevailing 'wisdom' of the day.  Third, yet again he supports collective punishment for an entire group of people because of the actions of a few, which is exactly what the Nazis said about Jews and that's why they perpetrated the holocaust against them.

Maher has and always will support Israel no matter what.  For Maher and many others, supporting Israel means only Israelis get human rights and only Israelis get to strike back at those who do them harm and if you complain about that, then you're persecuting Jews, don't think Israel has a right to exist, and you want all Jews everywhere dead.  Ugh.  Maher is a stoned unfunny jackass who is in love with genocidal murders and who loves to proclaim his atheism but is 100% on board with the religious claims Israel uses to justify their apartheid in Gaza.

Bill Maher is the worst person in the world.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

It's on

Because they haven't killed and maimed enough Palestinians yet, Israel has begun the land invasion of Gaza.  And your taxes are going to fund their war of terror.  Ugh.  I fucking hate Zionists.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It's time for another episode of: The Adventures of Randy Felcher, Private Investigator

Today's episode: The Case of the Missing Christian!

The TV was blaring reports about an influx of child refugees from central America that were allegedly pouring in over the border from Mexico.  Even more troubling were the reports that Christians were up in arms over these kids coming in to the USA, apparently they didn't like having to shelter people on the run from crime ridden corrupt countries.  Like all good Americans I took what I heard on the TV machine with a grain of salt, so I had to find out for myself why these Christians were objecting to taking these kids in and and helping them.

So I turned off my TV, loaded up my car with a few changes of clothes, a case of liquor and some hardcore gay porn to lure the Christian ministers into talking to me and I high tailed it down to the Mexican border. 

I drove all day and all night and I finally got there just after midnight.  I checked into a motel and I set out to find a Christian to talk to.
Once I cracked open a bottle of rot gut vodka and I tossed open a copy of Bum Chums Monthly a Baptist minister flagged me down.
I didn't beat around the bush and I certainly didn't let him beat around mine, and after he got done dumping poison down a well on an Indian reservation, we sat down to talk.  He told me that he was opposed to letting in those 'illegals' because they were Catholics, they wanted to steal our jobs, defile our women, spread germs, and take away all the high paying service sector jobs from white Americans.  He told me with as straight a face as he could muster that Jesus wouldn't let those kids in if he was alive and living in the USA today. 
"You got one thing right amigo," I said between slugs of the vodka, "Jesus sure as hell isn't alive in the USA today, because assholes like you killed him."  
He didn't take kindly to my words of wisdom.  He told me that even though he was mad at me for insulting him and his religion, that he'd still blow me but he wasn't going to enjoy it and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time praying for me while he did it. 
"Whatever," I said as he began his business.  Then I heard a woman calling out his name.  He said, "Oh shit, it's my wife!"  He jumped up and ran off into the pitch black Texas night.

"My husband wasn't out here blowing you was he?"
I stammered for a moment then I said, "Look!"  
We both watched in amazement as a flying saucer hovered over us for about fifteen minutes.  Then a door on it opened and an alien spoke to us.  It said, "We been scanning your planet for signs of intelligent life for about fifty years now.  And we can safely say that after all the anal probes, after all the abductions we've done, and all the TV and movies of yours we've watched, there's nothing here we want or need but we're not heartless bastards like you people are, so we're going to take those kids from central America who you all won't let in your country.  We're going to raise them and mold them into a race of super intelligent Hispanic humans who will one day come back and subjugate you to their will.  You dumb fuckers had your chance to do the right thing and take them in but you blew it.  So we'll take what some consider to be trash and turn them into treasure that will one day rule your pathetic world."  

As the minister's wife and I stumbled in a fugue like state towards my car and the case of liquor, we heard a giant sucking sound as the aliens beamed up all those kids.  What could we do except get shitfaced and wait for the day those kids and their descendants came back to rule over us.  So that's what we did, she and I.  

We reported her husband missing and after seven years we had him declared legally dead and she and I have stayed drunk ever since.  And through all these years, after everything we've been through, after all those bottles of liquor, after all the blackouts and the alcohol poisoning, I still have yet to learn her name.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Pipe smoking dog has some very important information for you

"You are free to ignore humans who have been nothing but consistently wrong in all their public pronouncements.  Currently those humans include:

  • Dick Cheney
  • Liz Cheney
  • Bill Kristol
  • Newt Gingrich
  • Jenny McCarthy
  • Elizabeth Hasselbeck
  • all people appearing on Fox 'News' 
  • all Popes
  • all right wing Christians 'leaders,' pundits, and talking heads
  • Rick Santelli
  • anti vaccination louts
  • anyone who says tax cuts boost the economy
  • anyone who told you I was a 'bad dog'
That's all I have to say now, so if you'll excuse me, I have some fragrant canine asses to sniff and my balls aren't going to lick themselves you know.  So, taa taa for now."

I see hard labor in my future

We bought a pallet of flat rock the other day.  It was delivered yesterday.  I see myself carrying a few of these at a time to Sparky who will be stacking them.  Pictures to follow sometime soon.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

It's true

Opportunity may also from time to time ask what you're wearing and breathe heavily when it calls you.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

It's hot out there America

Don't forget to use your parasols in that brutal summer sun.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Cooking with Dr. Monkey

Today's episode: Cuban style pot roasted chicken.

I started out by mixing up the 'bitter citrus' marinade for the chicken.  The marinade consisted of the juice of one orange and two limes mixed with some cracked black pepper.
After mixing the juice and pepper, I crushed together a whole clove of garlic and two teaspoons of sea salt and I mixed that in my marinade.

Then I cut a whole chicken so it would lay flat in a 9 x 13 baking pan and I poured my marinade over it.  I let it soak in the citrus garlic marinade for a couple of hours in the fridge.  I turned it after about one hour so the marinade got on both sides of the chicken.

After a couple of hours in the marinade I heated up two tablespoons of olive oil in my heavy Dutch oven style pot and I browned the chicken.
While the chicken was browning I cut one large onion into thick slices and one green bell pepper in to thick slices as well.
Once the chicken, which by now I had cut up so it would fit properly in my Dutch oven, had browned sufficiently, I began cooking the onions and pepper in my pot.
After the vegetables had softened and the onions began turning a little golden, I put the chicken, the rest of the marinade, and one cup of dry white wine in the pot and let it simmer for about an hour.  I took the lid off after half an hour so some of the liquid would cook off.
After an hour I took out the chicken and poured the liquid and the veggies in my food processor.  I pulsed them together and poured that mixture back in pot and I put the cut up cooked chicken back in the pot as well.
I let it simmer in lowish heat for another 30 minutes to let some more of the liquid cook off and to let the sauce thicken up a bit.  Once it was done I served it over Basmati rice and we had tomato slices and flat bread on the side.

The verdict:  tasty but kind of disappointingly bland.

Would I cook it again?  Since there are so many other good chicken recipes out there, probably not but if I did I'd do the following differently:

  • I'd add more spices to the dish, like more salt, more pepper, some cumin, and cayenne pepper.
  • I'd use already cut up chicken instead of a whole chicken that I had to cut up along the way.  
  • I'd use less liquid in the cooking process because in the end the chicken didn't seem pot roasted, it seemed like it had been stewed.
  • I'd add different kinds of more flavorful peppers, like pablano, serrano, and jalapeno. 
  • I'd scoop the garlic out of the marinade and brown it before I added it to the chicken and veggies.  
I like Cuban food, I find it to be flavorful and quite delicious but this dish which I found in the Gran Cocina Latina cookbook to be a disappointment.