Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Religious Discrimination Success Stories from Indiana

 "I was going to turn gay but when I heard that businesses could discriminate against me if I did, well you best better believe I stayed straight.  I totally love women and their boobs and their hair and make up and I totally want to have sex with one someday.  As soon as I find one with a penis who looks like Ryan Gosling, then I'm all in!"

"My parents made sure the hospital didn't give me no gay blood and now I'm on the mend and I'll be back to protesting at abortion clinics and shaming poor kids in no time!  Thank you Jesus and mom and dad!"

"I get zapped with the de-gayinator ray three times a week instead of two like I used to.  Sure it hurts like hell and all the radiation is probably going to give me cancer and shit, but that's a small price to pay to keep me straight and not discriminated against."

"As soon as I heard about businesses being able to discriminate against  gays, I moved the fuck out of Indiana.  My wife and I now live in outside of the Midwest and we no longer smell like tainted cheese and almost all our rashes have cleared up!"

"I want to be able to live the real Indiana experience and I can't do that if I'm being discriminated against.  So I've learned how to hide my homosexuality.  I have to keep it under wraps or I won't be able to enjoy basketball games in hot stinky gyms, eat my body weight in day old bread and tater tot casserole, and passive aggressively judge others who engage in the same behaviors that I do.  When ever I feel like getting gay on another dude, I slide my arms in to these slings and I put my junk into this medieval cock blocking device until my desire for another man passes.  I also think of Bobby Knight naked and that kills any boners I might get."

"Am I safe?  I don't know, are you safe?"

"Getting my anti gay hate on has turned back the clock for me.  I look just like I did back in college when I used to persecute gays and lesbos in my college.  Just look at my before and after photos!  Last week I looked old and tired and my skin sagged.  Now, after refusing to serve gays, Presbos,  and Mexicans, I have a spring in my step and my skin looks days younger. I haven't felt this good since the days when I was an Eva Braun impersonator for World War 2 re-enactors.  Hate, discrimination, and small minded Christian paranoia never felt so good or made me feel so sexy!"

Monday, March 30, 2015

Here's an important message from the Indiana Department of Religion

Some of you good small business owning Christians have prayed to us wanting to know who it's safe to discriminate against now that the religious freedom bill has become law in our state.  The homogays and the liberals are deliberately trying to confuse people for whatever sick and twisted reasons they have, so we wanted to clear up how you can tell if someone is gay and therefore eligible for some Jesus based discrimination.  

It's pretty easy to tell if a woman is gay.  If she's wearing a flannel shirt and work boots, then she's gay and you can discriminate.  If she looks mannish, has a deep voice, or talks incessantly about sports, she's gay, discriminate away.  If she doesn't respond to your sexual advances, she's gay and Jesus is totally cool with you refusing to serve her or sell her things.  If she expresses any interest in drum circles, comic books, video games, or any other traditionally male things, then she's a man hating lesbian and God demands you soundly trash her after you refuse to do business with her.  

Men on the other hand are a bit more tricky.  Many of them have spent years hiding their true homogay nature, after all this is Indiana and we've never been accepting of the homosensuals, so most gays in our state have to hide who they are, lest we find out and drive them away to Chicago or some other den of gay sin.  By and large if men talk about track lighting, fine dining, Judy Garland, European art and literature, fashion, and flower arranging, they're gay.  If they refer to anything or anyone as 'fierce' or use the word 'efforting,' they're gay and you don't have to do shit for them.  

But, like we said, many have learned to hide these symptoms and 'tells' so you may have to delve deeper to find out if they're gay or not.  So if you suspect your potential customer may be gay but you still need absolute proof he is or not, then try this:

Both of you get naked, enter his rectum with your lubed up rock hard aching penis and then thrust it back and forth inside him.  If he moans to indicate he's enjoying what you're doing, then he's gay, but if he's silent, then keep thrusting until you ejaculate.  After you finish, ask him if he enjoyed it, if he says he did, then you may discriminate against him beginning immediately.  If he didn't and he claims you anally raped him, tell him you're a good Christian businessman and that you'd never ever do such a thing and if he still prattles on and on about how you 'sexually abused' him, start speaking in tongues and handling snakes and he'll quickly get the message that you're a holy warrior doing the Lord's work and you are not to be trifled with and he'll get dressed and leave your business as quickly as he can.

If your potentially gay customer is not into the anal sex test, then try the oral test on him.
It's basically the same as above but this time you lie down on the ground and let him put his erect penis in your mouth and let him thrust it back and forth while you provide some suction.  If he ejaculates in your mouth, he's gay.  If he asks that you kiss him afterwards, he's gay.  If he tries to give you his phone number afterwards, he's gay.  And if he's gay, you know what to do: discriminate against him until Jesus can come back and finish what you started.

So that's pretty much it, watch for the signs, listen to what he says, do the tests on him, and remember if you don't enjoy doing the anal or the oral sex, that means you're not gay and that you're not eligible to discriminate against yourself or let other discriminate against you.  Rest assured, Jesus would have done the same thing and we're sure of that because all of his adult life, he chose to hang out pretty much exclusively with twelve hunky hairy dudes.  

Now get out there and restore your religious freedom to be hateful to gays and anyone else you think Jesus would hate!

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Mid century medical

I love mid century home medical encyclopedias.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

John Alcorn

I always liked Alcorn's work even when I had no idea it was his.  I've been a fan of his since I was a kid.  Go look up some of his other work on your search engine's image page, you'll be glad you did.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Why are you voting for Ted Cruz?

"Because I want a man who's going to take shit away from Americans.  We have too much shit like affordable insurance and work place safety regulations.  He'll get rid of a lot of that when he's elected."

"Because I totally want to and I'm not a Canadian mole or any thing.  Say, where can I get some good poutine around here?  Any ideas, eh?"

"I want to go back to glory days of the '80's. The 1680's!"

"My husband told me I had to."

"Jesus.  The answer is always Jesus, no matter what the question."

"Because I don't want someone like that preppy left wing gaywad Rick Santorum getting elected."

"I must be really fucking drunk because I thought I just heard you tell me that a Canadian Cuban was running for president."  

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Misplaced priorities

Some people are outraged that kids were playing on the Women's Vietnam War memorial statue instead of being outraged that our country is almost constantly at war.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The poster boy for modern conservativism

George Zimmerman, the murderer of young unarmed Trayvon Martin, says that it was his god's will that he killed Martin and was acquitted for it.  He went on to say that since it is his god's will, it's blasphemous for anyone to wish Trayvon Martin was still alive.

Also, he claims he was victimized by President Obama.

So, let's review here, Zimmerman is a gun nut who got away with murder, says it was okay to break his religion's commandment that says, 'Thou shall not kill' because the whole thing was his god's will, then he claims to be a victim because another black man, and millions of white folks too, called him out for being a murderer.  Yep, guns, god's will, and pretending to be a victim, he's got all the hallmarks of being a modern conservative icon.  But in fact, he's a murdering sociopath who got away with it.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Bond women

Hubba hubba's all around.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Saturday, March 21, 2015

A double movie report

In an arid dystopian future a cheeky sexy gal and her pals go up against the evil corporate overlords who run the world and who control most all of the water.  She uses all the weapons at her disposal, guns, her sense of humor, her sexuality, and a friendship with some hybrid creatures called 'rippers.'  They fight the power and you know what happens next.

This one is entertaining on most levels but I didn't buy Lori Petty as the heroine.  She cute and sexy and all but she's kind of slight and waif-ish.  If Naomi Watts had been the lead and Petty in the supporting role, it might have worked a lot better.  I've had many people tell me the comic book this film is based on is much better than the film.  Still, if you like goofy action films or films about dystopian futures, then this one isn't bad.

Some live action role play nerds accidentally conjure up a succubus and then they accidentally turn it into something more dangerous.  Some of them die fighting the creature but the important ones live.

This one is really goofy and kind of schizo.  It wants to be a comedy that makes fun of easy targets, then it wants to be a horror film with gory deaths, then it wants to be an action film.  It succeeds at being none of those things.  I think the film makers see this film as an homage to roleplay games and the people who play them but it comes off as mean spirited. It's not horrible, but it's not that great.  Peter Dinklage and a super cute Summer Glau are the best things about this film.  He's about the only funny character and she's super cute and you get to see her cleavage a lot.  See it if you want but you're not missing much if you don't watch it.

Friday, March 20, 2015

More to come

I went to a book sale today and bought a bunch of great books full of illustrations.  One of them was full of Ati Forberg's kick ass cool illustrations.  I'll be sharing more on my Tumblr.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Tumblr finds

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

A belated happy St. Patrick's day to you

Kiss her, she's Irish.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

How do you feel about the Hillary Clinton email 'scandal'?

"I feel nothing.  I am empty inside."

"I'm outraged by it but I don't have time to talk because I'm on my way to a Star Trek audition."

"It shows that Hillary feels like she can't trust big government, the very same big government that is forcing me to pose in this ridiculous manner, which is also the same big government that she helped institute."

"I get my hair cut in the style of Martin Luther, so what the fuck do I know about email?"

"Hillary is a witch!  Burn her!"

"Did someone mention something about Star Trek auditions?"

"I care not a fig for her emails.  What worries me is her unstinting support for those genocidal maniacs in charge over there in Israel."

"I'm dead, can you not see that?  So honestly, I don't give a shit about her or her emails, or who's vagina her hubby is sliding a cigar into these days.  Wait...hang on...if I'm dead how am I answering questions?  Why am I still sentient?  Is this heaven?  Hell?  Oh shit, I think it's New Jersey.  Well, if that's the case I'm fucked.  Thanks a lot Obama."

"Oh, I see, you finally include a woman.  I see that I'm nothing but a token in this post.  You ask a bunch of men including a dead one before you get around to asking me.  Well, you know what?  I'm not telling you what I think.  And I'm not going to bake you a pie or even be nice to you.  So go away.  I mean it."