Due to a vendetta the FCC and the entire cable industry has against me my annual Christmas special won't be shown in the USA or Canada this year. It will only be broadcast in Scandinavian countries that also border on the arctic circle. But I'm not bitter about it, fuck no, it's fucking Christmas god damn it and I don't have time to be a fucking bitter little bitch. But I do want you all to know what you're going to be missing.
My 2014 special opens with me sitting on a snow drift dreaming of getting my giblets roasted over an open fire. Then from out of nowhere swoops down Norwegian love goddess Silje Torp on a winged horse and we sing that old Christmas favorite 'Santa Stuffed My Stocking with Ebola.'
After we bask in the applause of the school children and prisoners out on work release that we paid to be our audience, I'll do a dramatic re-enactment of the time I discovered the true meaning of Christmas in Viktoria Winge's bra.
I'll romp among the reindeer for a few minutes and then I'll piss on a pine tree until my next guest is coerced into coming on the show.
After we promise to pay her some extra kroner, Danish pastry Mia Lyhne and I will stare at one another as we sit by a Christmas tree.
After a word from our sponsor Lene Marie Christensen and I will lick candy canes in a suggestive manner while the Doctor Monkey Dancers perform scenes from that Christmas classic
Equus Goes to the North Pole.
And finally, Vivian Howard will join me to bake my cookies and she'll also cook my goose right before Father Christmas sleds in with presents and liquor for everyone.
This year's Christmas special is sponsored by:
And by:
And by:
Space Pussy Vodka.
Check your local listings if you live near the arctic circle!
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